Parents and daughters have been battling over clothing for as long as fashion has existed. Every generation pushes the boundaries of what clothing is acceptable.Girls horrified their mothers by deciding to wearboy’s jeans in the 50’s, andin the 80’s, parents found it scandalous that their teens would wear jeans and jackets purposefully ripped to shreds. These timeless arguments seem about the clothes, but really they’re about control. We’ll show you how to tip the clash in your favor with these undeniable secrets to influencing your teen’s clothing.
- Wake Up, and Smell the Sexualization
Help your teen understand what society is saying about female clothing choices so they can make their own decisions.
It’s a Cultural Issue
The first thing I recommend talking about is how men in our society see women. Unfortunately, in our culture, teen girls are looked at as sexual items and sometimes they end up choose clothing that conforms. If teenagers are used to being treated a certain way, it might unconsciously affect their choices as they are still developing the ability to consider other options. To get past this tradition of wearing what men want to see, try asking your daughter, “What do you think is the difference between men’s and women’s clothes? What does it say about our culture that we have these differences?”
Cultural Icons
Teenagers choose sexualized outfits because they want to be powerful and popular like the women they look up to. Celebrities, models, musicians, social media influencers, the list goes on. The women at the height of culture tend to adopt a bold, but risqué fashion that trickles down the young women that want to be successful. Social norms theory explains how the most visible representation of fashion is not exactly what’s normal. It’s just the loudest and makes teens believe that this is how everyone dresses. You can help your teen recognize that thereare thousands of powerful, successful people who develop their own style instead of doing what’s sexy. One thing you could say to them is, “Would you rather follow what’s popular, or come up with your own style?”
Sexualizing by Design
It’s no secret that the men and women behind teen fashion are promulgating this issue. You can’t blame them, it’s the job of marketers to sell clothes, and sex sells. Let your teens know that sexualizing themselves is exactly what marketers want them to do as consumers! Talk to them about aspects of fashion marketing like peer pressure and media influence thatcan put them at risk for negative body image and perception. One way you can help your teen see through advertising strategies and make different clothing choices is to take your teen through the mall and have them point out what outfits and posters sexualizing young people.
- Talk About Clothing as Utility Over Fashion
Shift the conversation from which clothes are “allowed” to what clothes are the most “effective.”
Define the Meaning of Appropriate
When discussing clothing options, make sure that your teen seeks clothes that will allow them to do their job the best. If they are studying in class, let them know you hope they will focus on what would be the most comfortable, not the most sexy. If they will work out, try encouraging them to pick the clothes and shoes that give them the best ability to be successful in their exercise. Let your teen know that appropriate clothing doesn’t just mean modest, it means suitable for a given activity.
Help Your Teens Define Themselves
Have a conversation about what clothing is the most definitive representation of your teen. The goal is for your teento see what makes her express herself the most as an individual, and feel beautiful. Help your teen pick out clothes that make her say, “This feels like most ‘me’”. Assisting your teen in the journey to find personal identitythrough stylistic expression builds self-esteem and positive body image.
Talk AboutEnclothed Cognition
Enclothed cognition is a fancy way of saying,“how we dress affects how we think.” Studies show that wearing athletic clothes make us more inclined to exercise, whereas dressing up for a date can inspire confidence. Putting on acostume for a party can make us act more silly and uninhibited, but we work more effectively in uniforms. One study found that students performed better on a test after being told their frocks were lab coats. Performance, thoughts, moods, and actions can all be influenced by what we decide to put on. Talk to your teen about what clothing will most positively affect their cognition and behavior so they can be their best selves.
- How to Talk While You Shop
One of the biggest places where moms and daughters argue about clothing is in the mall. Here are some guidelines to set the rules while avoiding major conflict.
Be Friendly, Not Confrontational
Even if you think your daughter is dressing in a way that sets you off, it’s best find a less confrontational way to express yourself. The last thing you want to do is use shameful language. Truly, the more you clash with your teen, the more inclined they will be to disregard your advice and dress even more flagrantly.When youshop together,be as supportive of their choices as possible and use this guide to reasonably explain why there are certain choices you disapprove of. For example, you can say, “You know, I don’t think that’s the clothing choice I would make.Frankly, I would be a little embarrassed if you wore that around me, but it’s your choice and you can do you.”
Clarify What You Don’t Like
While you want to respect their choices and help them find a healthy way to express themselves, you should clarify what clothing options are simply off the table. A great strategy to use is themutual veto. As you shop for clothes together, you both get the ability to veto the other person’s choice until you can find a common ground. This is a respectful, methodical approach to finding clothes that you’re both happy to see. If your teen doesn’t respect your veto, you have to remind them that you have the final say.
Getting Them to Listen
Although, defiant teens will probably make their own decisions about clothing and simply swap outfits once they get to school or to a party, especially if there’s social pressure involved. The stronger you put your foot down and make rules about shoulders midriffs, shorts lengths, and more, the less they will take any one rule seriously. Instead of chastising your teen for making a choice against your rules, you can always offer to buy back the inappropriate clothing from them so they can spend the money on a better choice. A strategy to get them to listen to your advice is to make the clothing choice about values. Explain to them, “As a parent, I feel like when you wear that it doesn’t show that I raised you with good values. Can you try to find an outfit that demonstrates the values that are important to you?”
Good luck, Moms (and Dads)
It can be tiring worrying about what your daughter chooses to wear day in and day out, but these tips should help influence your teen’s clothing choices without starting another argument. Remember that teens are pretty much going to do what they want, so it’s more effective to try to alter what they want to get out of their outfit instead of altering the outfit itself. We suggest teaching your teen how to find clothing that leads to her best self, and you’ll start to agree on what she chooses more often.
Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com, ghostwriter at WriteItGreat.com, and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.
